The Daily Rimshot

2003-05-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

The Daily Rimshot: The "You Don't Say" Edition

Today we celebrate those unwitting masters of the excruciatingly obvious, the headline-writers. In his Best of the Web Today column, James Taranto showcases headlines such as these under the heading You Don't Say. These rimshots are offered in the same spirit.

Police to continue questioning terror suspects
(from This Is Local London)

In other news, firefighters have announced that they plan to continue extinguishing fires, while medical personnel have reported "no change" in their plans to treat the sick and injured.

Beijing hopeful of SARS decline
(from CNN)

Analysts were stunned at this reversal, noting the apparent downfall of the once powerful pro-SARS camp in the Chinese regime.

Mideast Less Tense But Still Dangerous, US Govt Says
(from Agence France Presse)

WASHINGTON, 7 May 2003 — The United States yesterday renewed its travel warning for US citizens in the Middle East, saying that despite an easing in tensions since the end of conflict in Iraq, the region remains dangerous and Americans may be targeted by terrorists.

This news came as something of a shock to Travel agent Murray Sykes. "This isn't what I've been telling my customers," said Sykes. "I hope it's still safe to go to North Korea, or I'm going to have to change my whole ad campaign."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and sometimes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-05-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

India to resume cricket ties with Pakistan - - report
(from CNN/SI)

NEW DELHI, India (AP) -- The Indian government is likely to allow the resumption of bilateral cricket matches against Pakistan within a week, an Indian cricket board member said Thursday.

Taking a cue from the old adversaries, President Bush commented that he "might give Kim Jong Il a call" to determine whether the North Korean leader would be interested in "a game of lawn darts or something."

Cheney: I'll Run in 2004
(from the Salt Lake Tribune)

DALLAS -- Vice President Dick Cheney has confirmed that he will be President Bush's running mate in 2004.

While U.S. political analysts view Cheney's announcement in light of his health concerns and low profile since 9/11, pundits outside the US provided a completely different spin on the story.

S.C. Senate Debate: Tax Hikes Vs. School Funding
(from the Carolina Channel)

COLUMBIA, S.C. -- State senators spent much of Wednesday's budget debate arguing over how much money should go to public schools in South Carolina.

[Um, okay, I'm not an economist or anything, but shouldn't that headline read "Tax CUTS vs. School Funding?" Wouldn't tax hikes and school funding be on the same side?]

2003-05-08T08:10:00.000-07:00

Foot-dragging dogs Iraq peace force
(from Canada.com)

It's unclear how these limping canines are actually helping to enforce the peace, but no doubt every little effort is appreciated.

2003-05-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

Rights group: Planned release of Guantamo prisoners is too little, too late
(from Cnews)

WASHINGTON (CP) - The planned release of more than a dozen terrorist suspects out of 660 held at the Pentagon's prison in Cuba is too little and too late, a prison rights group says.

"Let's just forget the whole thing," said a spokesman for the group. "If they're only going to let a few out, they might as well keep them all in there."

CREW 'IN THE CLEAR'
(from Sky News)

Two American astronauts and a Russian cosmonaut have denied their Soyuz spacecraft landed off target because they pressed the wrong button.

The astronaut and cosmonaut team also explained that the only reason they weren't wearing their spacesuits when the capsule was opened was because of some coffee spilled earlier in the flight.

2003-05-02T05:51:00.000-07:00

Ex-Enron chief's wife indicted on six fraud charges
(from the Times Online))

LEA FASTOW, the wife of former Enron chief financial officer Andrew Fastow, was yesterday forced to take the walk of shame in handcuffs after she surrendered to authorities investigating the multibillion-dollar fraud that brought about the energy company's collapse.

NOW predsident Kim Gandy praised the arrest, citing it as a "breakthrough" in the Enron scandal's "seemingly impenetrable glass ceiling."

House Adopts Global Plan of $15 Billion Against AIDS
(from the New York Times)

WASHINGTON, May 1 -- The House adopted a $15 billion initiative to combat AIDS worldwide today. The vote was taken after conservatives won a requirement that at least one-third of the money promote sexual abstinence before marriage.

[Unfortunately, I can't make a joke, here, since there's nothing ironic about congressmen spending five billion dollars to promote sexual abstinence.]

Hong Kong researchers warn SARS virus mutating, hard to fight
(from channelnewsasia.com)

Researchers in Hong Kong have warned that the SARS virus is mutating fast and this could complicate efforts to develop a solid diagnosis and a vaccine.

In response to these developments, the Centers for Disease Control today announced the nation-wide release of a film intended to inform the general public on issues surrounding mutation.

Chuck out your handsets, here come the wristphones
(from The Register)

Samsung has said its GPRS wristphone will ship in Europe in time for Christmas. The device, announced earlier this year, is the world's smallest GPRS phone, claims Samsung.

Law enforcement agencies across the nation hailed the announcement.

2003-05-01T04:45:00.000-07:00

Brothel shares leap in value
(from smh.com.au)

Investors embraced shares in the sex industry group The Daily Planet Ltd today, with the brothel more than doubling its value on its stock market debut.

Analysts were skeptical about the stock's long-term prospects. "Sure, it's up now," noted one analyst. "But how long can it stay up? That's the question."

Greenspan cautiously optimistic
(from indystar.com)

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said Wednesday the limping economy should gradually grow stronger with the end of major fighting in Iraq.

He told the House Financial Services Committee in Washington, "I continue to believe the economy is positioned to expand at a noticeably better pace than it has during the past year, though the timing and the extent of that improvement remains uncertain."

The financial markets responded immediately to Greenspan's comments, moving up to a certain level at a certain time, and then on to another level at a different time.

Bright Light May Boost Testosterone in Men
(from Reuters)

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - An extra hour of bright light can lift the levels of a pituitary hormone that enhances testosterone in men, a new study shows.

How this development might play out for The Daily Planet Ltd. is still unclear.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News and somestmes Yahoo! to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-04-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

'Will & Grace' actress Morrison charged
(from KansasCity.com)

LOS ANGELES -City prosecutors on Tuesday charged "Will & Grace" actress Shelley Morrison with misdemeanor shoplifting after county prosecutors declined to file a more serious felony charge.

Morrison will reportedly plead not guilty, insisting that she was merely researching the role of Winona Ryder's mother for an upcoming movie on Lifetime.

Can the new Palestinian government control militants?
(from BBC News)

Can a bear refrain from having a bowel movement in the woods? Is the Pope a Rastafarian? Is Geraldo Rivera a credible news source? Should we have taken Grandma to see 8 Mile? Are the Red Sox going to win the World Series?

N Korea publicly indicates possession of nuclear weapons
(from Japan Today)

BEIJING — North Korea indicated Wednesday that it has nuclear weapons and accused the United States of "torpedoing" the process of denuclearization on the Korean Peninsula.

"The DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea) called for the denuclearization of the Korean Peninsula to ensure peace and protect the sovereignty and the dignity of the nation, not to disarm itself under the U.S. pressure," the official Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) quoted a Foreign Ministry spokesman as saying in a statement.

Secretary of State Colin Powell responded: "Based on this latest disclosure, I think we understand the dynamics of the situation more clearly. Our new policy will be to apply pressure on the North Koreans to build nukes, to starve and persecute their people, and for Kim Jong Il to act like a total freaking nut case."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-04-29T06:57:00.000-07:00

Meal Skipping Helps Rodents Resist Diabetes, Brain Damage
(from Science Daily News)

A new mouse study suggests fasting every other day can help fend off diabetes and protect brain neurons as well as or better than either vigorous exercise or caloric restriction. The findings also suggest that reduced meal frequency can produce these beneficial effects even if the animals gorged when they did eat, according the investigators at the National Institute on Aging (NIA).

Dr. Mattson and his colleagues are currently studying the effects of meal-skipping on the cardiovascular system in laboratory rats. The findings of this study, which compares the resting blood pressures and heart rates of rats that were fasted every other day for six months with rats allowed to eat unlimited amounts of food daily, should be available soon.

"We won't rest," said Mattson, "until we have rodents living twice, maybe three times as long as before."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-04-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

Palestinian Love Affair with Saddam Sours
(from Reuters)

Some Palestinians complained that Saddam "never calls." Others claimed that "that special spark" was lost somewhere along the way.

Springsteen backs under-fire Dixies
(from BBC News)

Bruce Springsteen has given his support to country band the Dixie Chicks, who have faced severe criticism over a comment they made about President George Bush.

"For them to be banished wholesale from radio stations, and even entire radio networks, for speaking out is un-American."

Springsteen said there was a "pressure coming from the government and big business to enforce conformity of thought concerning the war".

He said pressure "goes against everything that this country is about - namely freedom".

When asked how freedom could best be protected in this situation, Springsteen suggested that the radio stations and networks who have banned the Dixie Chicks should be "immediately compelled" to begin playing their music again, and that listeners who destroyed their copies of Dixie Chicks music should be "required by law" to purchase and listen to new copies.

Clement to plead Toronto's case in Geneva
(from The Toronto Star)

As the Ontario government announced plans for a formal review Monday into how it has handled the SARS outbreak, provincial Health Minister Tony Clement prepared to leave for Geneva to call on the WHO to lift its travel advisory against Toronto.

"We're only Toronto," Clement explained, outlining his chief argument for the WHO. "Do you really think there were that many people coming here anway? Jeez."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-03-04T07:21:00.000-08:00

SHEEN TOO ANTI-WAR
(from Sky News)

West Wing actor Martin Sheen could be axed from the popular US show because of his strong anti-war views, the star says.
Sheen, who plays President Bartlet, said NBC network executives had warned him that his high-profile could damage the series.

Sheen dismisses the threat, however, as a "shallow partisan ploy," adding that he doubts the Republicans "could get nearly enough votes" to initiate an actual impeachment.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-03-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

US security organisation 'bugging UN'
(from The Age)

The US Government has not responded to claims that its electronic spying organisation, the National Security Agency, is aggressively bugging delegations at the UN Security Council as part of the Bush Administration's efforts to win a second resolution on Iraq.

NSA agents have reportedly been engaging as such bugging tactics as calling delegates only to hang up when someone answers, following them around and stepping on the backs of their shoes, and repeating everything they say in a whiney, sing-song voice.

China plans three-phase Moon exploration
(from NewScientist.com)

China has revealed further details of its plans to explore the Moon - the first unmanned probe could be launched by 2005, say officials. They also hinted that the motivation for the missions is to mine the Moon's resources.

The FOX Television Network is already at work on an exposé revealing that China is, in fact, only faking planning a lunar mission.

Hopkins marries antique dealer
(from The Toronto Star)

MALIBU, Calif. (AP) -- Oscar winner Anthony Hopkins married antique dealer Stella Arroyave during a private ceremony in Malibu, said publicist Paul Bloch.

Guests at the reception were served an unidentified meat dish accompanied by some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Gulf states mull Saddam quit call
(from CNN.com)

DOHA, Qatar (CNN) -- A group of six Persian Gulf Arab nations wants a wider Arab and Muslim audience to weigh an initiative calling for Iraqi President Saddam Hussein to step down -- in an effort to head off a possible U.S.-led war against his country.

I don't have a joke about this story. But if they start giving out Pulitzer's for stupid headlines, it looks like CNN has its entry for 2003.

Cut sugar to battle obesity, says report
(from NewScientist.com)

Scientists have stood up to the food industry by stating that a key way to tackle the growing global obesity epidemic is to encourage people to limit their sugar intake to no more than 10 per cent of their diet.

In other news, an article in an upcoming issue of the Scientific American states that bears do, without question, crap in the woods.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-02-28T07:21:00.000-08:00

DR: The Cricket World Cup Edition

The blonde assassin
(from The Times of India)

BULAWAYO: He is tall and handsome; his curly blonde hair make him look like a film star. He, in fact, has already had a fairly successful stint as a model.
But Andy Blignaut wanted more out of life. He arrived as a star on the cricket horizon in 2002, and went away too for some time, in search of other interests. ‘‘I loved horses since my childhood so I tried my hand at polo,’’ he told Times News Network, after the match against Australia here on Monday.
"But eventually I decided to come back to cricket. I started working very hard after that.’’

Hm...modeling, polo, and now cricket. I think maybe we've identified the crossover superstar who's going to make the sport accessible to American guys.

McGrath and Gilchrist set new records
(from CricInfo.com)

During the Australia v Namibia match at Potchefstroom, Adam Gilchrist and Glenn McGrath became the first wicket-keeper/bowler combination to effect 50 dismissals in ODIs.
Gilchrist took 4 catches off McGrath in the match. This equals the record for the most dismissals in a Limited Overs International match by a wicket-keeper/bowler combination.

Plus, I read that Zimbabwe's Andy Blignaut just had his "58th one-day half-century." Of course I believe this is real sports jargon and not a bunch of gibberish invented by bored sports writers trying desperately to sound cool. What's to be bored about? The matches only go on for three days or so.

World Cup: Flower, Blignaut crush Dutch
(from FOX Sports)

Dutch captain Roland Lefebvre won the toss and asked Zimbabwe to bat and the home side took full advantage.
Although nursing a groin strain, Flower breezed to 71 in 72 balls, including seven fours.
Blignaut, who took 54 off the Australians here on Monday in 28 balls, said afterwards he would "give the Netherlands some stick."

Um, does anybody know whether Maxim magazine is still running that "found porn" feature?

Subcontinental Grudge Match
(from The Wall Street Journal)

Cricket's World Cup, a tournament played every four years, is quiet in comparison with soccer, or with the Olympics. Fewer--far fewer--nations participate, and the whole thing is a Commonwealth exercise to which few others pay heed. The New York Times, for all its multiculti airs, has not carried even box scores; this, despite the fact that there are probably three million cricket-literate people in the greater New York area. Perhaps this is because there are no women playing against men (though some, having watched the Bangladeshi team in action, might dispute this).

Okay, so in this case Tunku Varadarjan provides both the news and the punchline. So I'm lazy. Sue me.

Manchester United and Liverpool clash in League Cup final
(from FOX Sports)

Liverpool takes on Manchester United in Cardiff's Millennium Stadium on Sunday as two of English soccer's biggest clubs clash for the country's No. 2 cup title. Liverpool is attempting to win a record seventh League Cup in its ninth final and United is chasing its second in five attempts.

What's that? Soccer...what are you saying, they're different? Jeez, I'm glad I did this special edition. I'm really learning a lot.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-02-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

Saddam Hussein, Reporter
(from The Washington Post)

When the cameras were turned off after more than an hour and a half, it was Saddam Hussein's turn to interview Dan Rather. The Iraqi leader led the CBS anchor to the overstuffed leather chairs in his high-ceilinged Baghdad office and "had questions [for him.]"

Within minutes, a shaken Rather was in tears, recalling the loss of his beloved cocker spaniel Skippy at age eight. The interview will run on Iraqi television tonight, along with Saddam's interviews with Lance Armstrong and Grammy-winner Nora Jones.

Pioneer 10 Spacecraft Sents Last Signal To Earth
(from Science Daily News)

After more than 30 years, it appears the venerable Pioneer 10 spacecraft has sent its last signal to Earth. Pioneer's last, very weak signal was received on Jan. 22, 2003.

This is bad news for NASA, inasmuch as the venerable craft apparently housed the agency's only working spelling checker.

AOL unveils legal song-swap service
(from The Guardian)

AOL, the world's biggest internet service provider, has agreed to offer its 27 million US subscribers a legal alternative to the song-swapping sites that are seriously damaging the music business.

America Online's entry into the music subscription market is seen as the biggest test yet for legitimate online download services, which are desperate to draw users away from free alternatives such as Kazaa and Grokster.

For $15 a month, subscribers will have access to download music such as A Jim Nabors Aloha Christmas and Polka, Polka, Polka! (Certain copying and usage restrictions will apply.)

Olympic boss gets perks plus salary of $550,000
(from FOX Sports)

DENVER (AP)— A report of spending by the U.S. Olympic Committee shows that in addition to his annual salary of $550,000, USOC CEO Lloyd Ward gets two cars for personal use plus money for gas.

In a letter...Ward defended the spending and vowed to make the organization more efficient.

"We are focused on delivering our mission: 'To help U.S. Olympic athletes achieve sustained competitive excellence while inspiring all Americans and preserving the Olympic ideal,"' the letter read. "In this pursuit, we will become more efficient."

Note that Ward's notion of an "Olympic ideal" refers not to the Olympic games, but to Greek mythology. He considers himself to be the chief resident of Mount Olympus, and was last seen chasing a swan around his back yard.

CBS Poll: U.S. Intent On War
(from CBS News)

(CBS) A CBS News poll finds most Americans are convinced that the Bush Administration has already made its mind up to take military action against Iraq.

The poll also shows that most Americans believe that the President is a Republican from Texas, and that he is married to a woman named "Laura."

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.

2003-02-24T21:52:00.000-08:00

Saddam Hussein Challenges Bush to Debate
(from the Associated Press)

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP)--Saddam Hussein indicated on Monday that he does not intend to follow U.N. orders to destroy his Al-Samoud 2 missiles, and challenged President Bush to an internationally televised debate via satellite linkup.

A few of the possible highlights of this debate:

Surveys would show that while radio listeners considered Bush the winner, TV viewers resoundingly favored the tan, photogenic Hussein.

High point: W. hammers Saddam with the mustard gas until the dictator retorts with his devastating "Well, there you go again."

Low point: Bush responds with a half-hearted "Where's the beef?" It falls flat.

On the question of whether the death penalty would apply to someone who brutally murders Kitty Dukakis, Bush offers a resounding "absolutely."

Same question: Saddam hems and haws about insufficient evidence before finally mumbling something about how maybe the Jews did it.

Saddam: "How can you presume to attack us? Even your Senator Edward Kennedy opposes this attack."
Bush: "Yeah, well, he's no Jack Kennedy."

2003-02-24T09:59:00.000-08:00

U.S., U.K. to Introduce New Iraq Resolution Today
(from the Wasington Post)

UNITED NATIONS –– The United States and Britain will introduce a resolution on Monday declaring Iraq in further violation of U.N. orders to disarm and warning of "serious consequences," U.N. diplomats said....

The resolution will declare Iraq in "further material breach" of U.N. resolutions ordering its disarmament, the diplomats said. They said it will likely refer to "serious consequences" but does not call for "all necessary means" to be used against Iraq.

A vote favorable of the US/UK position by the mid-March deadline is estimated to be roughly as likely as a "snowball colliding with a camel" who is "doing the nasty" with a pig flying "somewhere in the vicinity of Baghdad."

Report: Customs makes record pot seizure
(from UPI)

SAN DIEGO, Feb. 24 (UPI) -- Customs officials Monday were giving the credit for a record marijuana seizure to their inspectors' instincts and the keen nose of a drug-sniffing dog that ferreted out nearly 10 tons of the illegal weed packed in a semi-truck at a San Diego border crossing.

The seizure at the Otay Mesa Port of Entry late Friday totaled 19,957 pounds and smashed the previous record for a marijuana interception at the Mexican border of 15,185 pounds set in 2001.

Singer Willie Nelson was not available for comment.

Judge Tosses Lawsuit Protesting War
(from TheBostonChannel.com)

BOSTON -- A federal judge on Monday tossed out a lawsuit aimed at preventing President George W. Bush from launching war against Iraq.

The judge said the lawsuit engages "political questions in the legal sense that are beyond the jurisdiction of the court."

Hey, now hold on: maybe a Federal court doesn't have jurisdiction, but that resolution passed by the Fresno City Council is still valid, right?

World: Non-Aligned Movement Summit Opens In Malaysia
(from Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty)

Kings, presidents, and prime ministers of the 114-nation Non-Aligned Movement met in Malaysia's capital Kuala Lumpur today. Malaysian Prime Minister Mahathir Mohamad set the tone with an opening address that blamed the powerful developed nations of the West for much of the world's present turmoil.

He called for the nations of the world to unite to outlaw war and to deny any one nation the power to be the world's sole policeman. "We must struggle for justice and freedom from oppression, from economic hegemony, but we must remove the threat of war first. With this 'Sword of Damocles' hanging over our heads, we can never succeed in advancing the interests of our countries. War must therefore be made illegal. The enforcement of this must be by multilateral forces under the control of the United Nations...

Hmmm...interesting. Sounds like he's calling for some kind of...alignment.

Vatican official has kind word for Harry Potter’s magical world
(from the National Catholic Reporter online)

During a Feb. 2 news conference for a document on the New Age movement, NCR asked Vatican officials to weigh in on the controversy surrounding Harry Potter. Fr. Peter Fleetwood, an Englishman who is a former official of the Pontifical Council for Culture, responded.

“No one in this room grew up without images of magicians, witches, spirits and angels,” Fleetwood said. “These are not bad things, and I certainly don’t think Harry Potter is flying some kind of anti-Christian banner.

“As far as I can tell, the chief concern of the author is to help children to understand the conflict between good and evil. This seems very clear..."

It's unclear whether the Vatican endorsement will withstand new revelations about the next installment in the Harry Potter series, in which the young wizard is pitted against one Norton Dumbledore (estranged cousin of Headmaster Albus Dumbledore) who is reportedly "a little free with his hands" around some of the first- and second-year wizards.

All news stories (the headlines and quotes) are real and are the property of their respective publishers. I use Google News to find interesting stories. I'll be here all week. Thanks. Drive safe.